What if Mark Twain were around today to run for president?
Well, he actually threatened to run 141 years ago, but he apparently changed his mind, or else found funnier material. He wrote an essay, “Running for President,” which appeared on June 9, 1879.
The essay began, “I have pretty much made up my mind to run for President. What the country wants is a candidate who cannot be injured by investigation of his past history, so that the enemies of the party will be unable to rake up anything against him that nobody ever heard of before. If you know the worst about a candidate, to begin with, every attempt to spring things on him will be checkmated.”
Then he pulled out every skeleton in his closet, including attempted murder and inhumanity, claiming that he forced his old, rheumatic grandfather at gunpoint to climb up a tree and stay there throughout a long winter’s night.
And that was just the beginning of his confessions.
So what would a Mark Twain presidential candidacy look like? Here’s what he might say in an interview:
You have been accused of being lazy, Mr. Twain. How do you respond?
Twain: I am no lazier now than I was 40 years ago, but that is because I reached the limit 40 years ago. Besides, I’ve been reading a lot, hoping to find the key to success
in this unpredictable economy. I saved the December 2010 issue of U.S. News & World Report, because the
cover promises 50 Ways to Improve Your Life
in 2011. But then the magazine went out of business a few weeks later, leaving me unsure about its advice. I’m in a quandary.
Quandary or not, I understand you’re considering a run for the presidency.
Twain: I’ve thought about it, yes. And I think I could hold my own in any party, Republican, Democrat or Mugwump. It’s not the size of the dog in the fight, you know; it’s the size of the fight in the dog.
That’s brave of you, sir, but we don’t have any Mugwumps anymore. That was during Grover Cleveland’s era.
Twain: I’m sorry. Some of these eras run together in my mind, you know. Whatever the case, I’m against most everything I’ve heard in current political circles. Some people, including congressmen, think the world owes them a living. But the world owes them nothing. It was here first.
So what would your platform be?
Twain: Always do right! This will gratify some people and astonish the rest. And be patriotic. Patriotism, you know, is supporting your country all the time and the government when it deserves it.
How would you handle the current pandemic?
Twain: I’d tell people to stay home, and if you have a disdain for people, as I do, it’s not that hard.
Thank you, sir, for your frank comments. I wish you well if you continue your campaign.
Twain: The main thing, son, is to always tell the truth. If you do, you don’t have to remember anything.
Phil Hudgins is senior editor of Community Newspapers Inc. Email phudgins@cninewspapers.com.